As I sit here enjoying a Cadbury Creme Egg after enjoying a bacon butty with my Spanish grand Prix I face the awful truth that... despite the fact that I've lost 22lbs... I still NEED to lose at least another 30 to get me out of heart-attack territory.  Though my Doctor has never commented upon my weight.. apart from being delighted when she discovered I had lost 20lbs... I feel as though I can feel the thickening of my arteries with every mouthful of food I take... which is something I have never experienced before.  Today I've eaten a sandwich made from grilled back bacon with the fat trimmed off... wholemeal bread and a little margarine.  Whilst it's not exactly bad... I'm sure I would have been better served by a yoghurt and black tea... though not nearly as satisfied. 

I've found that when I shop at the supermarket I buy so much crap for HB and my brother that I fall into the trap of eating it myself... whereas if I shop locally I tend to buy food on a day to day basis and get HB exactly what she wants... and eat more healthly myself. I don't know why... I just do.  For example... I'll be savoury snacks like savoury eggs and mini pasties and stuff like that for HB... and I'll find that when HB goes to the fridge to get herslefsomething... I'll get something for myself as well.  Whilst appreciating that I should just have more will power... it's always been my biggest cause for concern... not being able to say no.   If the crap isn't in the fridge to begin with... thenI wouldn't be tempted by it would I?

So.. starting tomorrow... no more shopping at the big supermarket... and more shopping at the local store for fresh food and fruit.

The thing is as well.. and I had this discussion with my brother... I tend to feel guilty if I don't cook for him as well.  Whilst he is entirely capable of looking after himself I often feel obliged to ring him and offer to cook for him... and when I say often... I mean almost every day.  Whilst there is nothing wrong with that... my brother is one of those incredibly hateful people (who we love) who can eat absolutley anything he wants.. and not put on an ounce of fat.  So when I cook a roast or large meal for him.. I have fallen back into the trap of cooking enough for myself as well. 

Many years ago I was obssessed with my weight... and I refuse to allow myself to fall into that trap again... however... if I don't monitor what I am eating more carefully.. I'm going to put on those 20lbs I worked so hard to lose... and find myself back in the depression that goes with it.  A depression that at the time I didn't realise I had...but which... now that I have lost the weight... I know as there.

Next month is the Race for Life... (if you haven't sponsored me why not???) and whilst walking most evenings I'm not really walking often or long enough so... as from tomorrow... its trainers and joggers to work so that... come rain or shine... I'll go for a brisk walk around the Hoe every lunchtime from now on.

Anyway... this rambling all leads to the realisation that I need help now.... I've done ok just cutting back... adding a little exercise and stopping the junk food... but now I need to concentrate a little more on the actual calorific intake and bo-lox like that... so... when I finish typing this I'm off to raid the recipe book cabinet and see if I can find my old F-Plan book... it helped me lose 3 stones  (that's just over 40lbs for those not stuck in a time-warp) when I was in my early twenties and it was the ONLY diet that ever worked for me... wish me luck.. that cabinet hasn't been opened in a LONG time.